Sub Guys: How to Get Dommes to Notice You if You Don’t Go to Events or Munches
The easiest, simplest, most effective way to become a happy, fulfilled sub – the guy who Dommes are falling over themselves to hang out with – is by getting involved in your local kink community.
However, the majority of you will stay glued behind your PC / device, convinced your dream dominant will drop into your lap one day, without you having to make any effort to go out and find her.
Sub guys, this is entirely your prerogative. But at least use your online time productively.
‘Productively’ does not mean spamming every Domme you can find with a cut & paste email detailing your kinks.
‘Productively’ means becoming a respected member of the FetLife male sub community.
It’ll increase your confidence, ramp up your credibility, and could lead to who knows what…?
Begin by following these tips:
FILL OUT YOUR PROFILE
Hate writing profiles? Read this great advice from FetLife user, @Vestra.
How to Write Your Profile: A Guide to Barnum Statements, Individuality and How to Get Hotties on Your Face https://fetlife.com/users/83280/posts/1500330
And upload a decent profile pic. (Not a cock pic. Repeat: NOT. A. COCK. PIC.).
For a start, join Submissive Men and the Women Who Love Them, and take time to read the brilliant advice in the Stickies. Join Femdom Group on here (Fetlife) too, plus any other groups you think might help increase your knowledge.
PARTICIPATE IN DISCUSSIONS
Most Dommes appreciate sub guys who make an effort to ask questions and educate themselves. Only a tiny handful of subs bother to do this. Believe me, it’s a solid gold opportunity to stand out.
Read the discussions on both groups (and any other groups you join). Post intelligent thread topics. Ask thoughtful questions. Talk about your experiences, opinions and feelings.
If you need more of an idea what to write, look at postings and comments by regulars like @undergroundsea and @Kinkster8472 , both of whom always have something useful to contribute.
DON’T BE A WANKER
Never, ever post thinly veiled personal ads / solicitations for wank talk. A) It’s tragic. B) It could get you banned for violating group rules.
When interacting in group discussions, forget any fantasy you have based on Femdom porn.
Dominant women generally HATE being treated as if they walk around in latex catsuits, yelling at people. By and large, they are normal people, with normal lives. They are not porn stereotypes.
It’s best to address Domme ladies by their user name, rather than “Goddess”, “Mistress”, “Ma’am”, etc. In general, “Mistress” and so on are agreed titles used by people in relationships / partnerships / negotiated scenes.
Also, talk like a normal person, please. Simpering, grovelling sub speak is mortifying for women who don’t enjoy it. If you’re a fan of all that, “I’m a lowly worm,” stuff, please keep it in fantasy-land, in your head, unless you know 100% that it’ll be appreciated.
DON’T PUSH YOUR KINKS
Don’t crowbar your particular kinks into every thread topic you post, and every response you make in a discussion. It makes you sound juvenile / obsessional / demented.
DON’T BE A SLEAZE
Newsflash: When a Domme replies to a thread post / comment you’ve made, they are highly unlikely to be hitting on you, so don’t get over-excited. Your worst possible response is to PM said Domme using wank talk-style language, or with requests to meet up. It screams, “Loser!!!”.
The lady in question is likely to out you for your indiscretion, on the thread, too. Even worse, if your message is particularly woeful, she might re-post it word for word, to give people a laugh. Awkward.
DON’T POST A THREAD WHINGEING THAT YOU “CAN’T FIND A DOMME”
This is an instant credibility-killer. The first thing you’ll get asked is, “Do you go to events / munches?” Then when you reply, “No,” and reel out all the usual excuses, you’ll get shot down in flames. Not fun.
DON’T BE ‘THAT GUY’ WHO COMPLAINS ABOUT GETTING SCAMMED
The advice is all over FetLife: Never give money / ‘tribute’ / wishlist gifts to anyone online. There are loads of (extremely convincing) scammers about, pretending to be dominant women, trying to make money from submissive men. Don’t ever share personal / identifying information either; blackmailers exist too.
Despite this, there are still intelligent men who get burnt – and sometimes repeatedly – by the least convincing scammers ever. Then they start threads complaining about it. Sympathy will be in short supply, seriously.
WHY MAKE THE EFFORT? WHAT’S IN IT FOR YOU?
Dommes will notice you.
It might only be online, but you’ll have learned crucial communication skills that’ll set you apart from the hordes of do-me subs and creeps looking for wank talk.
If you manage it, it’s a big achievement; FetLife is infested with those idiots.
Maybe you’ll fancy taking your new found knowledge / communication skills out into the real world, to meet and socialise with actual, real kinky people. Including – OMG!!! – dominant women.
If that’s the case, read @Tara_Red’s Guide to Writing Personal Ads and Meeting People in the Real World.
Tara’s piece will help you a lot. But just in case you’re feeling over-confident now, it does NOT include, “Message dominant women and hassle them to come to your place and service you.”
Not that you’d dream of doing that, right?
TL; DR: Get noticed by Dommes online by acting like a sensible grown-up and not typing with your dick.
PS: I’m sure I’ve missed out on loads of advice, so please add yours in the Comments section.
For more of VoodooQueen (Fetlife) follow her gorgeous Tumblr account http://decadentboudoiruk.tumblr.com/