A blog by the Big Brad Wolf
Brighton Boylesque star and #FILTH fanatic
Fancy a three-way? For some this question rolls off the tongue with ease. For others, the mere idea of getting intimate with more than one in the room – let alone in the same bed – can send them into an anxiety spiral! So how does one approach the potentially tricky situation of engaging in a ménage à trois (or quatre, or cinq)?
Who? What? Where? When? Why?
First things first: who are you going to be having kinky encounters of the third kind with? If it’s you and your partner/ friend with benefits, you’ll need to find a like-minded other who’s up for joining you in some bedroom gymnastics. For those already initiated in the intricate art of intimacy, this could be as simple as going to a kink club and asking somebody who ticks the right boxes. However, for the sake of this post, let’s go on the basis that this is a first time experience for you. Now’s the time to sit down and have a very frank conversation about what you want to get out of having group sex. Talking?! That sounds super unsexy, unless it’s dirty talk as a means of foreplay, right? Wrong! Communication is key to having a good time in all sexy situations. Each individual needs to understand (and respect) what the others want from playing with other people – it’s important to discuss the possible pitfalls as well as the perks. What if, when you do find the right person to join you for a threesome, somebody in your party gets cold feet? Do you need a safe word? What happens if someone feels left out, or gets jealous? This is where the most important factor comes into play: the ‘Why’ of it all!
So WHY do you want to have a three-way? Are you looking to spice things up a bit or indulge a deep desire, maybe stoke the embers of a flagging sex life to reignite the flames of passions past? Some serious sex talk can help get to the bottom of what drives your desire to play with someone new.
For me, it was a simple case of double pleasure means triple the fun – or so I thought. When it came to the crunch, I found that adding an extra person to the equation wasn’t as simple as it seemed. Sure, two people pleasuring me at the same time was great! However, there were still two people that I needed to ensure were having just as much fun as me. I needed to have the stamina to keep up with the others as well as the confidence that I wasn’t going to get over excited and “blow it” (so to speak)! Mind-set and mental capacity to manage a ménage à trois are equally important as the many other factors involved; for some they will be the most important. My first foray into free love wasn’t the naked free-for-all I imagined it would be. I’d had more than a few drops of Dutch courage and had embarked on this sexual adventure with someone that I didn’t know all that well: my girlfriend!
Before I delve deeper into that quagmire, a bit of background info might be helpful to set the scene. Myself and my partner at the time had been in a monogamous relationship for a few years when we met some lovely people from the local fetish scene. Stories of sexy soirées and BDSM clubs were more than intriguing to us and we were inspired to try something a little less vanilla than our now seemingly sedate sex life. The decision to try a threesome was made: the hunt was on to find the right person to explore this uncharted territory with. It was at a hectic house party where we met a fun, bubbly and very attractive candidate. After a few minutes of chatting, things were going decidedly well; we all had a similar sense of humour and appreciation of a good innuendo. The conversation soon transitioned away from small talk when our new found friend raised the subject of threesomes. The time seemed right to ask if they would be interested in enjoying one with a hot young couple like us. A date was set and we met one evening amongst a Fringe Festival, which was being held at a nearby park. We giggled like teenagers, drank wine from the bottle; and once suitably lubricated I suggested heading to my house to continue our date with a little more wine and a lot less clothing! While strolling across the park we relayed our past experiences of three-ways. Which as it turned out, was a very brief conversation: there were none to share! However, there was definite chemistry between the three of us and fueled by flirtation (plus alcohol) we all agreed that it would be fun to pop our collective threesome cherries together.
What happened next didn’t just expose the cracks in my relationship, it made them feel as wide as the Grand Canyon. The sex was good, very good; our new playmate had many talents, especially when it came to oral sex. This is where the issues began: my girlfriend struggled to get her head around how much I was enjoying myself. At first she seemed into the new experience of multiple hands caressing and generally getting to know each other in an intimate and sensual way. But when it came to watching me receive knee trembling fellatio, something changed. She became less engaged, slightly awkward and was clearly not having as much fun as I was. I gently encouraged her to play with our friend (partly because I needed to regain my composure). I thought if the balance was being redressed she might feel less excluded – who doesn’t feel better after an orgasm or two? – but I was wrong. I’d forgotten the key component of all sexual encounters: COMMUNICATION.
Instead of asking how my partner felt, I just assumed she was happy to keep going. Not understanding her needs, I thought that an orgasm would make her feel better. The dots I didn’t connect were the ones between anxiety and climax, so as hard as we tried it was a losing battle from then on. My girlfriend didn’t want to be the one stopping the fun, I was caught up in the excitement of it all and our friend’s enthusiasm waned the more we pushed.
The climatic ending we’ve all seen in movies never came. There was no final orgasmic moment followed by panting as we all collapsed into a sweaty, satisfied heap. What did happen was characteristically British: polite mentions were made of how late it was, how much fun we’d had and how it’d be great to do this again, but perhaps with a little less alcohol. Everyone put their clothes back on, we tidied the sex toys and condom wrappers away and eventually said our goodbyes. I showed our guest out, then turned to my partner and asked the question I should have asked a lot earlier:
“How are you feeling?”
The response wasn’t an honest one; instead of taking the opportunity to evaluate the evening she simply shrugged, said she was tired and we should go to bed. Not an ideal ending.
So let’s revisit ‘Who, What, Where, When and Why.’
Who are you going to have a threesome with? If it’s involving your significant other, do you have the necessary equipment to successfully traverse the three-way terrain? Do you want to dive in head first or start by dipping a toe to see how it feels? To anyone trying group sex for the first time: I suggest you choose wisely, get to know the people you’re planning to play with and always make sure you have an open, honest and upfront conversation about what you all expect from the experience.
What (if you are undertaking this adventure as a couple) are you comfortable seeing your partner engage in with someone other than yourself? When it comes to watching the one you love with a romantic stranger, kissing and caressing are very different from full-on orgasmic ecstasy. If you’re single, in an open relationship or swingers, how well do you know the people you’re getting into bed with? I’ve often heard it said that sleeping with your friends is a bad idea…it’s equally worth considering the risks of getting it on with someone you’ve only just met, or even those you don’t know that well. Limits also need to be openly discussed. It’s all well and good to know what you like, but what about the things you don’t like? Hard and soft limits, boundaries, safe words, fetishes and especially triggers are all extremely important to talk about before hand. As is protection: you’ll need to check for allergies to latex and sensitivity to certain types of lubrication so nobody has any adverse reactions…or worse, comes away with an unwanted gift (that in some cases they might be stuck with for the rest of their lives).
Where do you plan to have your first group session? I’ve seen similar situations to my first time play out at parties. Are you prepared to be in the throes of passion in front of a room full of people…what if something unexpected happens? Do you plan to be drinking and/or on other substances? A tipple can sometimes boost courage and help take the edge off, but if you need to be drunk to feel at ease, you might want to consider whether you’re actually ready to go through with it. It may surprise you to learn that a lot of people in the fetish scene are teetotal. In fact there are some play parties where there’s strictly no alcohol (or drugs) allowed. Safety is always front and center at any reputable kink event. These can often be the best option for trying new things; there are dungeon monitors on hand to help with unwanted attention, or reassurance if you just need a friendly face. At the fetish clubs I attend, there’s a close knit community of people who look out for each other and won’t stand for anything that makes people feel unsafe. When playing at home, who’s going to sleep where? If there’s an obligation (or expectation) to put someone up for the night, you’ll need to consider the morning after. It can feel a bit rude kicking people out after sex, but what if the night doesn’t go as planned? We’ve all had sub-par sexual experiences…do you really want to be sipping coffee around a table with people who could be feeling just as awkward as you?
When are you meeting up? This might not sound like an overly important factor, but do bear in mind the time of day and, if at home, your neighbours! If you’re going to have fun you’ll need plenty of energy and enough time for prepping and preening, so you can feel your most sexy self.
Last but by no means least,Why? Take your time to answer this question; think carefully about it and don’t rush into anything you might regret. Take it from me: moving too fast can leave you (and others) feeling very exposed – but not in the fun way!
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